Infidelity Today
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Infidelity: How to Forgive Yourself for Cheating
There is plenty of information available to help the spouse who’s been cheated on, yet there is very little information available to help the wayward spouse. Countless relationships end as a result Of Infidelity. However, it’s not necessarily because the spouse found out and couldn’t forgive the behavior; it’s because the person who cheated couldn’t forgive themselves.
If you are trying to come to terms with having cheated on your spouse, then you need to start viewing cheating for what it is – a bad choice. It’s nothing more and nothing less. The old adage, “once a cheater, always a cheater” is nothing more than a judgment which is intended to deter people from cheating in the first place. Don’t buy into this belief about yourself. Who you are today is not who you were yesterday. Likewise, who you are in a burning building is very different from who you are at a picnic. Our circumstances at any given moment can change who we are, once we understand this about ourselves we can begin to live at a level of awareness where choosing our behavior becomes possible.
Many would argue, (myself included) that it’s best to tell your spouse what has happened, unfortunately though, many of us aren’t in relationships that can withstand anything less than the image we project. However, that’s not to say that our relationships can’t or won’t get to that level in the future.
If you find that you’re in a situation where you don’t feel you can share your indiscretion with your spouse without destroying your relationship, and yet, you also don’t feel as though you can remain in your relationship without disclosing what’s happened, then try the following:
First, find a couple hours where you can be alone without any chance of being interrupted (you will need a pen and notepad for this exercise). Now, I want you to write down everything that happened leading up to and including the indiscretion. The process is the same whether it was a one time encounter or an ongoing affair.
After you have written down everything in vivid detail, try to remember if there was anything you were afraid of prior to the incident. Typically, some type of fear precipitates cheating on a partner. For instance, were you afraid of not having anything to look forward to in the future? Were you afraid of getting older? Did you feel that this was your last chance at happiness and/or excitement? Were you afraid that your spouse was cheating on you? Really try to think back to what you were feeling at the time.
After you’re finished answer this question, If I could go back, would I still make the same decision today, or would I choose differently? If your answer is “yes, I would choose differently,” then write down all of the reasons you would make a different choice today.
I want you to reread everything that you’ve written. Take it all in one last time. Now, I want you to tear up what you’ve written and throw it away. You’ve acknowledged what’s happened and you’ve come to the conclusion that this is not a decision you would make again in the future. Therefore, there is no need to revisit this experience again.
However, you may find that there are times when you will still feel guilty. Cheating is a little like dieting. So often when people cheat on their diets, they give up and stop trying to diet at all. It can be the same way with cheating on your spouse. People often give up on their relationships because they cheated. The guilt causes the cheater as well as the dieter to want to start over with a clean slate. So, the dieter goes on a binge and decides to start fresh with a new diet. Likewise, the cheater does the same thing – they give up on their relationship and they decide to start fresh with a new partner. If you can see the insanity in this behavior in terms of dieting then you should also be able to see the insanity in this behavior when it comes to relationships. A dieter with this type of mentality will most likely never lose weight; instead they will simply keep going back to the beginning, or in other words, starting over. If you apply this same logic to your relationship, expect the same results; plan to continue going back to the beginning to start over again with a new partner.
In the future, if you start to feel guilty about this again, I want you to read the following paragraph. In fact, reread it every time you catch yourself starting to feel even a twinge of guilt:
My relationship is not tarnished because of my behavior. I made a bad choice; however, no single decision has the potential to define who I am. I have not lost anything from this experience except the ignorance which is necessary to judge myself and others. I will forgive myself today – only by doing so will I be able to love and give again to the people around me
Now, I want to leave you with a question.
Wouldn’t you rather be in a relationship with someone who knows they are capable of cheating and yet they are consciously choosing to be faithful; as opposed to someone who mistakenly thinks they are just naturally incapable of certain behaviors? If you have cheated on your partner you now have the ability to choose to be faithful instead of naively or childishly just assuming it about yourself; which means you now have the wisdom and experience to be truly trustworthy.
See, you really do deserve to be free from this guilt!
About the Author
Michelle Langley is the author of
Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say, “I’m Not Happy”
To read an exerpt from Women’s Infidelity visit
http://womensinfidelity.com/
Celebrity Infidelity on The Today Show
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Tags: cheating, infidelity, marriage, psychology, relationships
May 12th, 2010 at 9:37 pm
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May 18th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
May I just say how IMMATURE OF A MAN HE IS! Isn’t it sad the way some people are just selfish. First of all it’s disgusting that a man would leave his wife and children, did he once think about how this would affect your lives? Selfish, very selfish people these days. I think If I were in your shoes I’d feel the same way, but more angry. I honestly don’t think I would want my children around such a man what kind of roll model is that for your children? he’s a loser. With out bad mouthing him to the children I hope you can explain to them that their father is a very confused man, no wait just tell them your father has a SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS! this is not normal behavior for a mature person.
May 26th, 2010 at 4:34 am
After 9 years, I took my two children and left. I’ve never been happier.
June 17th, 2010 at 7:34 am
look even if she left you for another guy , your heart must go out to her , he was beating your wife , omg can u imagine that . everyone makes mistakes , i think she learnt her lesson , give her another chance , you still love her. and plz if you do take her back , don’t keep bringing up the mistake she made to her , that just causes old pain to return, doesn’t do either of you any good
November 2nd, 2010 at 1:29 pm
im cheating on my husband……with his father (dramatic music) lmaoooo
November 21st, 2010 at 6:45 am
Wife sees husband cheating she said what are you doing he said practicing
December 20th, 2010 at 8:10 am
omg that is wrong! wrong! wrong! wrong!